Why Telling Survivors to “Just Leave” Isn’t Helpful

TW:DV

This is not the first time I’ve written on this subject. For some reason, this is one of the most common responses survivors get when they come forward about their abuse. “Just leave!” Or even, “why didn’t you leave sooner?”

The truth is, leaving an abusive relationship can be incredibly dangerous. Quite often, an abusive person will physically prevent you from leaving. In my case, I was physically restrained (tackled and held down) to prevent me from leaving and even had my leg shut in the door once when I made it halfway out. Several times I was kept away from my son so I could not leave. Some people have their keys and cell phones taken so they can’t leave and they can’t call or text anyone for help. Some people are locked in rooms and prevented from leaving in that way.

IF you do make it out, that does not mean you are safe. Quite often an abuser will stalk and harass a victim who gets away from them. They can show up at your house unannounced. Mine waited outside the sliding door at 7am until I opened the door to let the dogs out and as I went to close it, they walked right in. They’ll try to “hoover” you back to them by making up fake emergencies, telling you how much they love you, asking if you need help with anything, telling you they have to see the kid or the dog or that they have something of yours they want to give back. They may even threaten you or threaten to unalive themselves if you don’t come back.

Many survivors have left their abusers and experienced all of this and more and gone back because it’s easier to stay and be abused at home than to be stalked, harassed, and threatened.

These are just a few examples of the things survivors experience when they try to leave. Next time someone tells you they’re being abused, instead of asking why they didn’t leave sooner, ask them what you can do to support them.