Forest Fire or Slow Burn?

A friend recently asked me for relationship advice. They’re recently out and starting to date women and wanted to know what I had to offer (this applies to you whether you’re queer or not). If you meet someone and it feels like a forest fire, run. That hot and heavy crazy chemistry right off the bat feeling that we were all taught is the ultimate goal (thanks Disney and Nicholas Sparks, childhood trauma, etc) is DANGEROUS. What happens when the forest fire burns out? It leaves massive destruction in its place. Quite often, there’s nothing left of the beautiful forest it destroyed. You do not want that to happen to you.

If you start to date someone and it’s slow moving , not super exciting, and there’s no immediate “spark,” Lean in. Pay attention. You don’t have to date the first “boring” person that comes along, but know this: the lack of sparks is your nervous system in a calm state. The chaotic, forest fire feeling is your nervous system trying to send up red flags to keep you safe. Red flags that you’re too amped up to ignore. What if you learned to appreciate that calm feeling? What if instead of thinking, “we don’t have that chemistry I had with my ex so we must not have a connection,” we learn to think “my body is telling me this person is safe. I wonder where this could go?”

If you are struggling with a pattern of chasing after these forest fire connections and then feeling destroyed after each one, it may be time to look into breaking this pattern.