They Go Out, You Go Crazy

I could never understand why I went from being able to go out on my own or have my partners go out alone and be just fine to LOSING MY MIND when my abuser went out. That's just it. No one else had abused me. This was a different beast altogether.

At the start of our relationship and for the first year or so, my abuser didn't really go out. They didn't keep in touch with friends and we spent most of our time together. All the sudden, they needed to go out more often and when they went out, they STAYED out. They would disappear into the night without a word of whether or not they were ok or when they would be home.

I found it disturbing but handled it until the night I almost got t-boned. That night, I was so shaken up that I naturally wanted to call my partner for support. They didn't pick up. They didn't text back (they had read receipts on). Did they not care? I lost it. I paced the house. I cried. I called and called and called (yes, at this point I was pretty toxic too). I desperately needed them to pick up to know that they cared about me.

Two things happened when I lost it. One: my abuser was then able to tell their friends how "crazy" I was (this is done to gain pity and to ensure that if you leave, people will believe them when they launch a smear campaign). Two: it set them up to do it again and again so they could continue to feel they had that power over me.

It happened a few more times before I realized what was happening. I remembered that I had never felt or behaved that way with previous partners. I realized that they weren't even attempting to give me the bare minimum courtesy of "made it home safe." I knew it had to change.

I started suggesting they meet up with a friend each week. I stopped reacting whether they gave me updates or not. I stopped reacting whether they came home or not. I stopped reacting. That, my friends, is the key to taking away their power.