Late Bloomers in Abusive Relationship
It is disturbingly common for us late bloomers to end up in abusive relationships. Here’s my take on that.
One: we are so desperate to be seen as queer people and finally step into this mysterious, alluring world that has eluded us our entire lives. We often fall for the first person who comes along and often that person is…not good. We are then for various reasons incredibly dedicated to making those relationships work. That first queer relationship is a doozy whether it’s abusive or not.
Two: we don’t know any better. I remember thinking it was odd that my brand new partner wanted to move so quickly. Especially since I was just getting out of a marriage and wanted a minute to breathe. We had to spend most of our time together and if I wanted to be around friends, we had issues. Every single relationship milestone was ticked off within days and we signed a lease in two months. Whenever I would pause to think “I’ve never moved this fast before” I thought “well, they’ve been out much longer than me. They must know better than I do how things go.”
Three: it’s completely normalized to move at the speed of light in our community. In fact, it’s glorified. You see it all over Tiktok and Instagram. Couples bragging about moving in together after a week and adopting a dog after two weeks and spending every waking moment together. You start to feel like if it’s not “sweep you off your feet” fast, it’s not love.
Four: the toxic/abusive ones are the ones who keep getting spit back into the dating pool.
All of these things and more are a perfect storm for baby gays to end up with an abusive or toxic partner. Some of ya’ll aren’t going to like this but we have to slow down. The key to avoiding an abusive relationship is just that. Set firm boundaries early on. If they respect them, yay! If not…keep your eyes wide open for other red flags. Educate yourself on what abuse looks like (thehotline.org has a great list of each type of abuse). If you see those red flags, the best time to get out is SOON.
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