Reaching For Comfort Where There Is None

When we are in a trauma bond, quite often our abuser is both the one harming us and the one we feel is saving us. They break our hearts and spirits over and over and over again yet they are still the ones return to in times of need.

So often, when I was with my abuser, something would come up in my daily life, and they would be the one I would reach out to. My car broke down, I almost got T-bones with my child in the car, I got sick after my first Covid shot, etc. when I would feel sad or scared or lonely it felt natural to reach out to the person who is supposed to be my partner and my safe space. 

With abusive people, they are neither of those things. Sure, they might comfort you some of the time when it is in their best interest to do so. They might comfort you if other people are around and they want to look good. They might comfort you if they feel you have withdrawn from them and they need to get you back into their control. However, if they don’t feel it will benefit them to comfort you they simply won’t. Sometimes they will ignore you, and sometimes they will do whatever they can to make the situation even more painful and difficult for you. They will also probably make what is your issue there issue.

If you were in a relationship where this is happening, I want you to know that you deserve better. You deserve to be cared for and you deserve to have your needs met. It is not too much to ask the person who is supposed to be your partner to pick up the phone when you’re stuck on the side of the road at 10pm.